Wednesday, June 1, 2011

It's been too long (yet again)

I have taken yet another blog exodus for the past few weeks, well almost months. May is always a difficult time for us. Most people I know that are dealing with mental illness in some shape or form have a time frame when things generally are more difficult to deal with. For L these times are around his birthday in May and around Christmas.

For us it has meant dealing with him being more depressed and more irritable. This year was better than the past few but still difficult to deal with for all of us. His birthday means a return of his old feelings of inadequacy. Why those seem to go hand in hand we have yet to figure out so we are left with just dealing with it. We dealt with a return of his fears of me leaving him, a fear that he always seems to carry with him and that generally comes out when he is depressed. He gets into his own head and become his own worst enemy.

Logically speaking he knows that there is no basis for his fears yet he seems unable to get them out of his head. The more he tries to avoid these thoughts, the more they haunt him. He starts to think that everyone must hate him. After all, he doesn't like himself, so why should anyone else?

We worked through it again. Like we do every year. And we will continue to do so as these episodes happen. I will keep reassuring him (and that will mean less blogging because at times this blog and reading what I write makes him feel bad)

There was a huge silver lining in this past episode though. In the midst of it, he came to me one evening, gave me a big hug and told me how much appreciates all that I am doing for him and our family. He had been pushing me away all that day and been trying to create some emotional distance so these few words meant the world to me.


Chelle said...


I am also bipolar and so I can so understand how hard it must be for you to help your husband deal with this disorder. Trying to be the stable one in the relationship is a very hard job and I am very lucky to have a spouse who is supportive of me as well.

I am glad that you were able to come up for air and post. I know it must be hard for your husband to read the blog, but I would think it would also be a very good way for him to tell where he is mood-wise. I write my own blog and have told my husband that if he wants to know where I am in a cycle on any given day, just read the blog. It will tell him exactly whether I am depressed or on the way up to manic or somewhere in a combination of the two.

Keep writing for both of you and tell your husband I understand.


steppinoffthepier said...

Is it possible that his parents might have something to do with how he feels about birthdays? I remember one year was really bad for him.

Kris said...

@Chelle, thank you for your comment. It means a lot to me.

@steppinoffthepier, we both think it is rooted in his childhood. It is too ingrained in him to be really anything else. In the 6 years we've been married he has never enjoyed his birthday. And according to him he has 'never had a good birthday. Ever.'

Faycin A Croud said...

I too am bipolar. I experience very much what your husband experiences. I have very low self esteem and though I really wish I could connect with people I know I am too different to be able to do so.
My birthday is probably close enough to the new year that it doesn't quite affect me as badly as it otherwise might. New year's and spring are the two times when I really feel like a loser because I've gone nowhere with my life.

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