Tuesday, June 8, 2010

'I feel like pushing people away'

Not me, L is feeling that way right now. When he told me last night my mind went back to the past few days to see if there were any other warning signs, any other symptoms I need to look out for. This one little sentence has put me into watch mode. From know until I feel we have reached the end of this episode I will be watching him like a hawk analyzing the smallest move he is making, anything he is saying and doing. All in the hope of stopping whatever might happen before it gets too bad.

While I am aware of what I am and will be doing a lot of this is going to happen at an unconscious level. I generally don't consciously decide in the moment something happens to analyze it. It is not until after or in the middle of it that I will realize what is going on.

I am glad that we have reached a stage where he can recognize and vocalize this feeling though before it gets too late. It helps me in trying to stop him from self-sabotaging his relationships with everyone. It is one of the reasons that he has been unable to find friends since we moved back to Alabama in late 2007. It has strained our relationship and his relationship with his daughters. I am thankful that we can talk about it now BEFORE it gets bad. It is a big step in the right direction.


20fourseven said...

hello mam, did you get it?

Kristin said...

Yeah! self-awareness is a BIG help. But, still, so much of the burden of care falls on your shoulders, Kris. I think you have developed pretty big shoulders but I hope that there are others that L can talk to. Does he have a good therapist? Do you ever go together? Sometimes the patient gets into a rut and needs to have some difficult issues put on the table. Just an idea.
This self-sabotaging is a tricky. They don't ever seem to be able to just walk away when an encounter is going down the drain.
Constantly being on guard, watching for signs, is exhausting. I hope you are getting time to recharge yourself.
xx kris

Kris said...


L has a great team of doctors and a great social worker. If we needed to we have been able to get next day and even same day appointments. Until a few months ago I went to most of his appointments with him to just sit in and for couples' counseling as well.

The times that I am on guard have decreased so much over the past year. It used to be a constant thing. I learned that I had to take the time to take care of myself.

Kristin said...

This is very good news. The big team that is available for L makes your life (a little bit) easier.
xx kris

Kris said...

It certainly does. We have been very fortunate with L's team and their willingness to work with us

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