so I was asked by a friend to write an blog or post about my mental issues. Well It is a long story so please have patient with me, I am not casanova at writing. It all started when I was 10 or 11, I started to feel depressed, not the usual depression when I didnt get that toy I wanted, but an deep down I am so depressed, I could just kill myself thoughts, that bad depression. I felt weird, it was like my hormones just woke up one day and decided to try to kill me. I slowly sank into an deep depression, and It never stopped. It just kept getting worse, and it sank into anorexia, I started to watch what I ate, counted the calories at the dinner time. and later do 100 crunches, and 200 situps, etc, just to make up for it. IT was the only thing that made my depression better, or so I thought, it only made it worse, at first it was like an drug high, it made me feel so light and on top of the world, and then years later I realized it became my drug of choice, my coping mechanism, and I couldnt stop.
In high school I got even worse myd epression took an turn for the worse, when I was 16 or 17, cant remember which, I tried to get attention from my parents, anything to get them to notice how depressed I was. But they didnt bc my sister was always physically sick so they only pay attention to her. and when I did something bad, that is the only time they would notice me. so I made up a huge lie that year, and got kicked out of my school that year, bc of it. IN the end it damaged my parents trust of me, and I lost their faith, and even now, getting them to believeme, is very hard, bc t hey are very nto forgetful. Even though I havent lied to them in years, it makes no difference.
It got worse by 18, I decided I would move on on my 18th birthday and I did that sunday, just took an cab and left, and moved in with my trucker boyfriend who I met on the internet, I used men as an way of coping with how bad I felt about myself. he turned out to be 42 and used me for his wiles. I started getting so worse, I ended up in a trailer alone iwth an 53 year old man, who loved the sex with me, and I thought it made me feel happy, so I continued till one day he pushed me to my breaking point, and I took 100 aspirin and 20 vicodin, my roommate that also lived there, came home early from work and found me on the couch unconscious, she drove me to the er, where I got a little better, but denied how depressed I was. Sex was my new coping mechanism. a few days later I oded again, trying to end my pain. didnt work just ended up in the er, I was dead for a few minutes, but they got me back. I woke up crying, decided to get back with truck driver guy, and did for a week, but couldnt take it so moved into a group home. Turns out the lady who was black didnt like me bc I was white told me this everyday and beat me up. After that I just couldnt find a place to live I felt safe, and my depression got worse, so I started to cut, (i used to do this when I was younger, I would talk about this, but it is another long story.),
I would cut and cut and cut, mostly my thighs, and the relief was temporary but I thought as I did when I was younger it was worth it. I ended up in cars, or on the streets, finally ended up with my friend Christina's house, and then when her mom kicked me out, I moved in with her friend Tank, he used me for one time sex, and left me. AS this all happend in the span of 5 months, I finally called my mom and she drove the 8 hours to get me. WE drove back and I was so depressed I got so mad at my mom my dad, and my sister, I just felt like they were the reason I was like this. Which wasnt right. but I was so upset I couldnt be on my own. so time passes and I move in with bf Jake, and he verbally abused me to the point of tears and screaming everyday. He dumped me twice and I got back with him, in the end He dumped me for the last time, and I met my ex-husband a few months later. thoguht he was the ticket to my depression, bc I was still thinking men were the key. He treated me great while we were dating but 5 months after we got married, he started hitting me, beating me up, and raping me when I didnt feel like having sex. We had a baby, and I just couldnt take it anymore, while I was pregnant I tried to kill myself, and I ended up in an private hospital where they drugged me up so many times. I remember many other times of being hospitalized.
once in palomra hospital for odiing in 2004, once in 2005 for cutting and oding, and one for anorexia in 2005. Just too many drugs they gave me, and did nothing for my depression. in one I was even diagnosed with schizophrenia bc of my religious views, bc I believe I can see spirits. All of this just made me jaded, didnt want to see an doctor for years I didnt, till a few months after having Cassie, and the bitch told me that I was like an drug addict bc I was anorexic, so I told her to fuck off. and I left, went thru a bunch of shrinks, none of them giving me the solution. And then I got pregnant again, I was raped by two guys a few months after leaving my ex-husband, and I was so traumatized, my depression skyrocketed, I lost 30 lbs in one month, my ptsd was so bad by now, I didnt think I could focus. I stayed in an hotel crying and purging, and having nightmares, I was so gone. AFter having my son my depression got alittle better when I was breastfeeding but when I had to quit it was horrible I went down in the pits again. It just got worse, I tried herbal thigns this year, and it got better.
All this over the years, really hurt my parents, they always wondered what they did wrong. and blamed themselves. but in the end it was only on me. I could do nothing and just keep going down, or I could take control of my mental health. I have tried every anti-depressant, literally and every anti-psychotic, nothign works, the only thing that semi-helps is herbs. and a certain kind that is very expensive, I get frmo the amazon. I try everyday to keep myself up but some days are really bad, and I spiral into my ed, or cuttign or whatnot again. I am good now, but I struggle everyday. Not to mention it isnt easy keeping my husband happy with his struggle with ptsd, and his flashbacks, it is so hard, some days I just dont know how to take care of my kids, my husband, and me. I just dont know how to do it all, so I try to take it one day at a time. I was told by many shrinks the amount of times i was raped, because there were a couple more, I cant even talk about, bc I was an teenager. It just gets to me talking about them, so I dont.
I was a cutter from 10 to now, and I still struggle keepign it away, bc it is an big addiction of mine to deal with my anxiety and depression. I get anxious at the most little things, just going o ut the grocery store, and being around people. I have major social anxiety, and agoraphobia sometimes. it is bad. I dont think I will ever just quit cutting for good, I do for months, and then bam, it is like an drug relapse, I do it again. But I havent for quite awhile. that is my story for now. I might write more later.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The following blogger asked me to remain anonymous. Here is her story
I'm reading: Our First Guest blogger! ~Depression~Tweet this! Posted by Kris at 7:44 AM
Labels: guest blogger
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