Friday, March 19, 2010

How do I love thee?

My three year old started getting sick last night, was okay this morning and then started getting worse again around 1pm. It is now 8.30pm and she has a pretty high fever. L seems a bit under the weather as well. He took a four hour nap this afternoon alongside Miss K. So far Little K and I are healthy *knock on wood*

I don't know how 'normal' families do this but for us I am the sole caregiver of both the girls and my husband. He is doing better right now but there have been many times when I felt as if I had three kids to tend to and not two kids and a husband. It doesn't give much room for myself to relax when things get tough. I work approximately 40 hours a week, manage our finances, manage the girls' activities, L's appointments (which for a while were weekly), my activities and somehow in all of this try to keep up with our place. I need a housekeeper badly. With everything else going on and to take care of I tend to just 'forget' about the housework that needs to be done. In a good week my house is a mess, in a bad week? Don't even ask. Even before I started working full time there were many days when I would be exhausted at the end of the day. Not physically but mentally. I would love to have a cleaner house but in the end it just does not make it to the top of my priority list.

Living with someone with sever mental illnesses is not an easy task. It is a daily struggle at times to just make it through that day and to not give up. I wish I was superwoman and things were easier. But they are not so I deal with it with the resources I have at hand and to the best of my abilities. I know there are many people that know us that are wondering why in the world we are still married. Many people would have given up long ago. There have been times when I was close to giving up but what it boils down to is the simple fact that I love him. The person I fell in love with might not always be here. I know though that he is still hiding under the cloak of my husband's mental health issues. The times when he shines through are something I treasure. Like tonight when we were making dinner together and he was telling me that he always fixes my plate first because that way he knows there is enough for me of what I want. That generous and loving person is the person I met and fell in love with all these years ago and he is still there. We just need to work together on finding ways of getting him to come out more and for longer times. It's a work in progress but as long as I see these moments, it will be worth the fight.

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