Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Ever have a song just speak to you?

I am somebody that associates certain times and situations with specific songs. The song itself doesn't have to have come out around the time of whatever situation it is. It can even happen weeks, months or years after the situation happened that I come across a song that reminds me of it.

One song that immediately spoke to me is 'Every Day' by Rascal Flatts.

You could’ve bowed out gracefully
But you didn’t
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn’t
I drive myself crazy
Tryin’ to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It’s amazing to me

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
crowded out
And you’re comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don’t know, I don’t know

Repeat Chorus

Sometimes I swear, I don’t know if
I’m comin’ or goin’
But you always say something
without even knowin’
That I’m hangin’ on to your words
With all of my might and it’s alright
Yeah, I’m alright for one more night-
every day
Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day
You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh
Every day
Every, every, every day-

Every day you save my life

No, this song isn't something I felt like saying and never did. This is what I would want Luke to say to me. Just every now and then a thank you for sticking around. For being there and for not giving up. With all the problems we have had I know a lot of people would have run a long time ago. And I'm sure there are a lot of people that will never understand why I am sticking around.

The answer is simple: I love him. Under the exterior of his 'new' him that he has become because of his mental illness, there are still glimpses of the 'old' him that I fell in love with. The guy that made me laugh all the time, the one I could talk to about anything and everything, the guy that sang to me and just was there for me. I am sure he is there more often than I see them because I know my view of him can be tainted by our past experiences. Too often do I expect the worst to happen and I am on the constant lookout for the next manic episode, the next threat of him being suicidal/angry/depressed. This is one of my main reasons for starting counseling for myself. I need to learn better coping mechanism and just talk to someone about what has happened and what is happening.

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